


The Adventure Zone: Here There Be Gerblins

by DeJ



Series: The Adventure Zone: A Novelization [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Fantasy, Fantasy Violence, Mostly Canon Compliant, Multi, Novelization, POV Multiple, some headcannon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-06 05:10:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14049621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeJ/pseuds/DeJ
Summary: Taako Taaco: An elven wizard doing everything he can to stay off the grid.Merle Highchurch: A dwarven cleric who claims to have nothing for him back home.Magnus Burnsides: A human fighter with a failing business and scars he refuses to explain.This rag-tag trio of adventurers gets more than they bargained for when they agree to what they're assured is a simple escort mission.





	1. 01

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, sup, this is the first part of a novelization of The Adventure Zone by the McElroys - so I'm putting it out there that this isn't an original story (but you already know that). The story will be written as the podcast played out, with some slight changes for consistency and flow. Scenes will be added at times. I'm aiming for each arc to be about the length of a short novel, so we'll see how it goes. (Also this isn't beta'd sorry)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Taako struggles with unemployment, Merle talks to his cousin for the first time in years, and Magnus makes some friends.

Craig’s List was emptier and emptier each time Taako read it. To this day, he wasn’t entirely sure why he had decided Neverwinter would be his permanent roost. It was the first town he had stumbled across after… _the incident._ He had simply never left once he settled. That said, he frequently considered leaving because of the lack of well-paying positions he could fill. He’d had to take up odd jobs, resulting in scouring Craig’s List multiple times a day. Taako hummed in irritation; the list only held the usual skeleton and goblin bullshit. The only anomaly was a tiefling looking for a long-term traveling companion, and Taako wasn’t about that shit.

The elf groaned and turned away from the list, leaning against the wall. If it came to it, he supposed another ‘goblins in the forest near my home’’ job wouldn’t be terrible. They were always decent money, and Taako wasn’t one to pass up an opportunity to kick ass, but they were terribly boring. Just the same old point-and-shoot em up bullshit. Even when he had company, which wasn’t terribly often but admittedly spiced things up, it just wasn’t worth the spell slots. Taako tugged his beat-to-hell, mud-caked hat over his eyes and groaned again, louder this time. _Oh, how things have changed in the_ shittiest _way possible_.

Taako dug around into his pocket, wincing at the mere four gold, one silver, and two copper he found. His other pocket held nothing more than a few squares of hardtack and his wand. It was a really shitty wand, bending at bit at the middle and requiring the wizard to adjust his aim when casting or risk critically missing his target. He _really_ needed a new one despite recently buying his current one, but those tended to be around ten gold a pop. He hadn’t been able to afford one of those whilst being able to eat for a long time. His previous wand had been considerably nicer, but Taako had thrown that in a river back on one of the first days when he was traveling aimlessly through the wilderness.

After a minute of sulking, Taako pushed himself off the wall and stretched his arms above his head. “Ah, fuck it.” He muttered, adjusting his hair. Tonight just wasn’t a good one for him. He flared out his cape behind him, sighing at its tattered state, and made his way down the street. Gravel crunched under his boots, the only clothes he currently owned that weren’t complete trash, as he dodged the foot traffic on the street. Neverwinter tended to house people of shorter breeds, so Taako was a good head taller than the average citizen. It starkly contrasted Taako’s old life in New Elfington, when he could only remember being a child among much taller adults.

It took about ten minutes of walking while nibbling on one of his squares of hardtack for Taako to arrive at his home. The sun had set by the time he finagled the key into the lock to let himself in. The elf kicked off his boots after stepping inside and gingerly placed his hat on its designated hook. His cape was also removed and hung before Taako crashed onto his couch with a groan. He desperately needed to clean his little apartment. The little clothing Taako had was strewn around his apartment from his dressing that morning, so he figured he’d start with that.

He was about halfway through placing his pants and skirts in their designated drawer when a loud knock at the door made his ears prick up. His head swiveled towards the door in confusion. He’d paid rent, so it wasn’t the landowner, and he didn’t really have all that many friends who would come to his door. Regardless, Taako glided through his room and opened the door. Immediately, the elf was pushed aside with a shout as a huge man barreled in, kicking the door closed behind him.

“Hey!” Taako yelled, catching himself against the wall before he could fall. “What the hell, dude?”

The man had pressed himself to the wall, clutching something close to his chest. He was breathing heavily, and was eying the door nervously. There was a yell from the other side, and then the sound of multiple people running past. Taako looked at the man, mystified. “Uh, care to explain?”

Blinking, the man just stared at him with wide eyes.

“What?” Taako looked himself over. “Do I have something on me?” He turned back to the man. “Look, I’m being awful nice and asking you what’s going on before I kick you out. The least you could do is respond to my fucking questions. Can I at least have your name?”

Another moment passed, Taako staring expectantly, before the man broke out of his trance. “Ah, apologies. My name is Magnus Burnsides.” Then he paused. “Sorry for breaking in. I ah, I was running from some guys.”

“Clearly. Care to elaborate?”

Magnus shrugged. “I, ah,” he slowly pulled his arms from his chest to reveal a mangy looking cat. It only had one eye left, and Taako wasn’t sure it would be able to stand if Magnus wasn’t holding it. “I was rescuing this from them.”

Taako raised an eyebrow. “That thing looks a day from death, big guy.”

Petting it gently, Magnus shrugged. “But they were abusing it.” His gaze hardened, glancing to the door with a scoff. “And they think _I_ was in the wrong.”

“Yeah, that’s all heroic and sweet and shit, but can you leave now?”

Magnus blinked. “Oh, right. Sorry.” He pulled himself from the wall, then took a step and cried out, falling to the ground.

Taako took a step back. “Uh… you cool?”

“Yeah, yeah, they just, ah,” The man turned his leg so Taako could see that his left leg was bloodstained. “They got me a little.”

“Fuck! Ah,” Taako paused for a moment. “Stay right there.” He spun around and flew out the door, running two doors down to his right and pounding at the door.

There was a grumbling noise from the other side, and it opened after a moment. The dwarf stared up at him with a frown. “Taako?”

“Hey, cleric, whatever your name is, shit, there’s a hurt guy in my room.”

The dwarf’s bushy eyebrows rose to his hairline. He immediately pushed past Taako and quickly hobbled over to the elf’s apartment. When Taako got back into his room, his neighbor was already pulling at Magnus’s pant leg to inspect the wound. The dwarf shot Taako a scrutinizing look as he leafed through a book he pulled out of his bag.

The wizard put his hands up in a placating way. “Hey, man, don’t look at me like that. I didn’t do this.”

Magnus nodded when the cleric glanced at him for affirmation, then huffed once. “Then would either of you care to explain what _did_ happen?” He gently placed his hand on Magnus’s thigh and muttered something under his breath.

Taako watched as the wound seemed to meld itself back together, last squirts of blood squeezing from the top until the flesh on Magnus’s leg was completely clear save for the lightest white line where the weapon had pierced him. The cleric held out his hand to Taako. “Wet towel, please.” Taako obliged, and the dwarf began to clean the blood off Magnus’s now-healed leg. “I’m Merle, by the way,” He said to Magnus. “Merle Highchurch.” He held out his hand.

Magnus took it, and the two shook hands firmly. “Magnus Burnsides. And, ah, I was attacked when I was rescuing a cat from some guys.”

Merle’s eyes wandered until he saw the creature. “Ah, I see.” He gave Magnus a grin. “Not sure if I should call you stupid or brave.”

Magnus laughed. “Let’s go with stupidly brave.”

All three of them jumped as someone pounded on the door. Taako groaned. “Can an elf get some alone time in this city?”

“We know you’re in there!” A gruff voice yelled, slightly muffled by the door.

Merle frowned. “Your friends, I suppose,” He said to Magnus.

The man nodded with a grimace, standing. He drew his sword and flipped it in his hands. “I guess I should go deal with this.” He gave Taako a sheepish smile. “Sorry for dragging you into this. I’ll get out of your hair now.”

“Well,” Merle said, standing as well, “I don’t really want to have to heal you again.” He grabbed his battleaxe Taako hadn’t even noticed he had. “I’ll give you a hand.”

The two stared at Taako, the only sound being the pounding at the door and shouting of the men outside. He blinked. “Oh, no no no. I’m not getting involved in this. Good luck to you, but--”

With a crash, the door flew open. One of the men had kicked the door in, breaking the lock and leaving the door splintered. Taako whirled around at this, mouth agape. “I beg your pardon!” He shrieked, falling into a defensive stance and pulling out his wand. Oh, tonight was just _not_ his night, was it?

Magnus grinned and pulled his shield off his back. “I guess that means you’re helping?”  
Taako gave a humorless laugh. “How’d you guess?” He grit his teeth. “But I get to keep any money they have. I can’t afford to pay my landowner for a new door.”

He got a shrug in reply. “I’d say that’s fair.” Before he even finished speaking, Magnus was rushing forward, shield up. He barreled into the men, pushing all but one back outside. Merle quickly ran out behind him, leaving Taako to face the one in his room.

The wizard lightly gripped his wand and did his best to point it at the man. “You chose the wrong apartment, buddy.” Three blasts of power burst from Taako’s wand, making him slightly reel back at the recoil. The magic weaved through the air before solidly connecting with the man’s chest, blowing him back against the wall. He yelled as the spell burnt through his shirt and into his chest. Three singeing spots appeared once the magic evaporated, bright crimson leaking from them and staining the man’s clothes. He gasped in pain, trying to pull his way back towards the door.

Taako snorted, twirling his wand. “Don’t have much experience with Magic Missile, huh?”

The man just groaned, finally reaching the doorframe. He shakily stood, casting one last glare at Taako, and fled. The elf snorted. “That’s how we do.” A yell from outside reminded him that he wasn’t alone in this fight, and he made his way through the ruined, and now bloodstained, doorway. His landowner was going to throw a fit.

Taako sighed. “Tonight is just not my night, huh? What’s next?”

Turns out Magnus and Merle didn’t need his help. One of the men was on fire, panicking, and another was bleeding profusely from a slash to the arm. The final man was attempting to attack Merle, but was thwarted when Magnus dashed between the two. He easily parried the strike away, headbutting the man square in the sternum. He fell to the ground with a huff, and Magnus held his sword tip to his throat. “Leave now, and don’t ever harm the innocent again.” His voice was steely and cold, nothing like what Taako had heard from him inside. Now that he got a good look at the man, Taako realized that Magnus was actually fairly intimidating. Huge, muscled, and a face that had clearly seen some shit.

The man under Magnus’s sword nodded to the best of his ability, eyes frantic. Magnus released him, and the man scrambled away with the other two in tow.

The three fighters just stood in silence for a minute, staring at each other. All three were bloodstained and dirty, slightly out of breath. Taako coughed. “I’m Taako, by the way.” He waved at Magnus. “You may know me from TV.”

Magnus raised an eyebrow. “What?”

Taako shrugged. “Whatever.” He glanced between him and Merle. He bit his lip before finally blurting out: “You guys wanna get a drink sometime?”

Merle blinked. “Yeah, sure.”

Magnus laughed. “You know what, yeah. I’ll pay. This was all my fault, after all.”

Taako let a small smile grace his features. Maybe tonight wasn’t so bad.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Two Months Later 

 

Dramatically kicking open the rickety doors of the pub with arms spread wide, Taako loudly announced: “I’m back, bitches!”

Someone told him to fuck off, and Taako flipped her off as he swaggered into the building. Taako didn’t even know if the pub had a name, despite his weekly visits. He ale was kind of awful and the whole place smelled like smoke and sex, but the food and drink was relatively cheap and not as bad as one would think. He gave the ‘chef’ a few pointers at times from behind the bar and got some free meals for his help.

“Ah, so nothing good?” Came a grumbling voice to his left.

Taako turned to Merle, who was looking at him with a resigned look. The old dwarf was sipping at a glass of water, probably all he could afford. “Nah.” He sat down at the table next to him. “Just the usual goblin shit.” Taako had gone out to take a look at Craig’s List, but, per usual, he found nothing of any worth. “I think there was a babysitting gig.” He raised a brow. “You up for that?”

Merle gave a tense laugh at that, pulling at his beard. “Me? _Kids_? Hell no.”

Taako pretended not to notice the monetary tightening of the dwarf’s features, turning to the man on his other side. Magnus had a suspiciously cat-claw shaped cut on his face. Another attempted ‘rescue’, no doubt. Taako held back a laugh and said, “I’m guessing it’s a no from you too, buddy?”

“Why doesn’t anyone want my stuff? I’m one _hell_ of a carpenter.” Magnus reminisced in a slurred whisper. His dark eyes were wide and unusually dilated, giving the monster of a man a puppyish vulnerability. “Everyone only wants iron anymore. Iron’s gonna go out, ya know.” Taako counted about six empty mugs scattered around the man. Magnus could hold his liquor fairly well, but tonight didn’t seem to be his night. “Wicker’ll be back, man. Retro. I’ll make _a million_ gold.” He banged his hand on the table, leather bracer nearly falling off in its terrible state. “A _million_.”

After Magnus’s crash into Taako’s apartment, the two began to share a tense relationship of asking mild favors and doing jobs together. They’d each saved each others lives a few times, so Taako considered the man to be alright. They occasionally met up for drinks, usually with Merle, who had just kind of inserted himself into their dynamic without the other two noticing.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m sure you will, big guy.” Taako leaned back in his chair, rubbing his eyes. His feet found their way to the tabletop. “The three of us are really something, huh?” He gave a short laugh. “A high elf wizard, a dwarven cleric, and a human fighter in a bar. We sound like the setup of a bad joke.” Taking off his hat, Taako ran a hand through his hair. “We are a joke.” He whispered under his breath. He wasn’t even sure if they could call each other _friends_. “We always end up here, don’t we? Getting drunk off watered-down ale and wishing we had something better to do.”

The three sat in silence for a while. While Merle and Magnus contemplated their lives, Taako’s ears pricked to hear the conversation around him. There was a trio of men behind him gambling on some kind of cart race, which Taako thought sounded perfectly dull and moved on from. To his left a dwarf was telling his friend about finding a poster that advertised the one thing he wanted most, which sounded to Taako like a load of bullshit. He was almost tempted to help the guy out and point out the obvious scam. Almost. To his right a tiefling was hitting on a half-elf, and Taako decided he was about done listening to his surroundings as he took in what was being said between the pair. “What do you guys think we should do about our miserable lives?”

“Well, you know, Pan teaches -”

“Put the X-treme Teen Bible down, Merle. Preachy fuck.”

“Hey now, I’m just saying -”

All three of the members of the group jumped as someone shouted: “Merle Highchurch!” An unfamiliar dwarf wrapped his arm around Merle with a wide grin. “Well, I’ll be a son-of-a-bitch. I didn’t know you came around these parts!” His voice was nearly undecipherable, sounding more to Taako like grunts and growls than actual common. It was grating, and Taako’s ears flattened against his head.

Merle smiled back slowly. “Ah, Gundren! Gundren Rock-” He paused. “Uh, seeker! Gundren Rockseeker! Hey, cousin! What’s up?” The two clasped hands, enthusiastically on Gundren’s side and rather hesitant on Merle’s.

Gundren sat down at the last chair at the table. He was a little taller than Merle, and definitely better-built. The two didn’t look all that similar physically, and Taako didn’t know if he entirely believed they were related. “I’ve got some family business over in the next town. I was about to find that gnome Craig about putting a job on his list about it. What’ve you been doing, huh?”

Merle shrugged. “Ah, you know.” He held up his X-treme Teen Bible. “Spreading the word. Healing people. Cleric stuff.”

Gundren laughed. “You Highchurches and your preaching. I always wondered why you decided to live in Neverwinter instead of the rest of your family. Can't imagine you get too many people like you here.” He whistled. “And wielding a battle axe? What would they think back in your little circle?”

“Ha, uh, tough times.” Merle shrugged, patting the weapon at his hip. “Just making my way through life.”

Gundren paused. “Say, Merle,” He leaned in close to his cousin. “Didn't you say you were taking commission jobs recently? That you were a little low on funds?” He at least had the decency to talk in a hushed tone, but Merle still winced at his words.

The cleric gave Taako and Magnus a concerned look before turning back to his cousin. “Uh, yes. The religion business isn’t exactly, ah, booming here in Neverwinter. Not too many people interested in a nature god in the middle of a city.” He snorted. “Probably didn’t think that through all the way, huh?” He trailed off at the end, eyes glued to the table.

A smile grew on Gundren’s face and he leaned forward, his voice at an excited whisper. “Well then, how would you like to join me on the last job you’ll ever need to take?”

Taako snorted, pulling his feet from the table and sitting up to lean across the table, mirroring Gundren. “That’s ominous as fuck,” He whispered back.

Gundren ignored him. “I know you aren’t in the best place right now Merle, and I’m guessing your friends here are in a similar situation.” Taako frowned at him and Magnus grunted in what the elf could only assume was meant to be defense. “It’ll leave you with riches beyond your imagination.” He moved his hands in an arc to add to the effect. “It’s like I said, last job you’ll ever need to take.”

Merle hummed. “What would we have to do?”

He winced as Gundren slapped him on the back. “That’s the spirit! But, ah, I can’t tell you just yet.”  
Taako forced out a laugh. “Uh, sketch alert!” He puffed out his chest in an attempt to copy the dwarf. “Hey, come with me, guys.” He gritted out in an imitation of Gundren’s voice. “I won’t tell you where, what, or why, but trust me; you’ll get rich. I won’t kill you or sell you or hand you over to authorities for anything you’ve done in your past!” Relaxing again, Taako straightened himself out. “Uh, fat chance.”

Merle shushed him. “Come on, Gundren. How secret can it be?” He gave the other dwarf a lopsided grin. “I’m your cousin!”  
Shaking his head, Gundren sighed. “Just trust me, Merle. Here, look.” He pulled out a map. “I have a little, ah, let’s call it a pre-job for ya. Like a test run.” At Merle’s strange look, he added: “To make sure you can handle the real one.”

Merle spoke up then. “ _Wow_.” The word was drawn out for a couple seconds. “Have some faith, cuz.”

“Don’t be like that, this has gotta be done too, you understand, and I’ll pay ya for it.”

“How much?” Taako immediately asked, his full attention suddenly drawn.

Gundren put his hands up. “I’ll get to that.” He paused, then turned to Merle. “Say, these guys,” He gestured to Taako and Magnus. “They can, ah, handle stuff like this, right?”

Magnus sat up straighter. “Well, hey now -”

Merle cut him off. “Yes, yes, Gundren.” He gestured to the elf on his left. “Taako and I have known each other about half a year. Neighbors. We go on harder jobs together sometimes and do fine.” Then he pointed to Magnus. “And honestly, I’ve only known Magnus over here for about two months, but he’s damn good with his sword and I’d say I trust him.”

Gundren nodded slowly. “If you're sure, Merle.” He turned to address the group as a whole. “Now, what you’ll be doing is escorting supplies from here to the town of Phandalin.” He raised an eyebrow. “Any of you know of Phandalin?”

Taako scoured his brain. The name was familiar - maybe he’d considered stopping there once? A glance at Merle told him the dwarf was equally confused. Taako knew he hadn’t actually been to the town, but despite knowing a plethora of towns and cities Phandalin seemed to have dodged his mind. A snap from Magnus pulled Taako out of his thoughts.

“That old mining town, right? The one that went to shit after the orcs went through. They specialized in magical ores, yeah?”

Taako hummed. The orcs had come through before his time in the area, but he remembered hearing stories about it from grizzled old men and women. He even remembered hearing about it when he was a kid, but whenever he tried to remember who exactly told him his head hurt. It was probably just one of the travelers who would pass through. “So, you’re sending supplies to a ruined town and you need us to get it there safe?”

Gundren nodded. “My family -” He waved a hand at Merle, “immediate family, anyway, we’re real active in rebuilding the town. We have some history there and would hate to see it lost to time.” He clapped his hands together once. “And you’ll be doing a supply run. It’ll only take two, three days tops to get there. You’ll take my wagon, and there shouldn’t be any trouble on your way.” He shrugged. “What do you think?” His mannerisms gave Taako the impression that was a little nervous, and he wasn’t making eye contact with anyone. The dwarf was clearly hiding something and Taako didn’t like it one bit.

“I have to ask again,” Taako said slowly, “how much are you paying us for this?”

That pulled a chuckle from Gundren. “You’re reward-driven, aren’t ya? At least I know you’ll get it done, I guess. Ten gold each upon arrival.”

That wasn’t a ton, Taako knew. Barely anything for something that would take up to six days for a round trip. But it _was_ just an escort job, and the prelude to a better one. He bit his lip. _The last job you’ll ever need to take_. It was terribly tempting, but it still seemed sketchy as all hell. He wasn’t sure if he should read the statement as untold riches or a death sentence. Taako looked to Merle and Magnus to get a read on their stances. The pair also looked apprehensive, but after a minute Merle shrugged.

“Why not? I’ve got nothing better to do. ‘Sides, Craig’s List isn’t getting any better anytime soon and I need money.”

Magnus nodded. “I’m in.”

Taako sighed, putting his hat back on. “Sure. What the hell.” He looked up at the ceiling, tracing the swirling pattern of the wood grain with his eyes. “What’s the worst that could happen?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I know there's a canon meeting for these guys, but since it's a little long and also pay-to-listen I just figured I'd come up with something to get to the story a little faster. I hope that's ok with you guys, and I'm sorry if you where hoping to read the canon meeting. I hope you enjoyed regardless!


	2. 02

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Magnus tries to get a wolf buddy, Merle lights up Magnus's life, and Taako does his best.

Magnus gently tugged the reigns of Gundren’s oxen back to the center of the road for what felt like the thousandth time. The beasts were clearly unused to pulling carts, veering off in whichever direction they fancied. Even Magnus, with his polished animal handling skills and vehicle experience, had trouble keeping them in line. After the one on the right (which he had nicknamed Lucky) began to turn away again, Magnus turned to face the cart.

“Taako, any chance you have a spell that can make these oxen behave?”

The elf’s head appeared from the back of the cart, one eyebrow raised. “Gee, Magnus, I thought you had, how did you phrase it? ‘Super-great animal handling, guys.’ Don’t tell me you’re having trouble up there!”

Gripping the reigns a little tighter to keep the ox on the left (Midnight) from veering, he sighed. “Can you do it or not?”

“Nah.” The elf shook his head. “Ask Merle. He’s real deep in his cantrips over there.”

Sure enough, the dwarf was practically kissing the small book of cantrips he had taken with him he was studying it so close. At his name, his head jerked up and he glanced between Magnus and Taako expectantly. After neither said anything, he just shook his head with an indecipherable grumble and went back to reading.

Magnus huffed, but turned back to the road. They had only been on the road for a few hours, and he was already beginning to wonder if this was such a good idea. Even in his half-drunken state last night, he had been able to tell that something was up with Gundren. Taako had clearly noticed too, but the elf was too money-driven to argue. Magnus had no such vice, and considered bringing up his concerns to the rest of his party - friends? - sure, he felt like he could say Merle and Taako were his friends. That would make this conversation easier.

“Uh, say, Merle?”

The dwarf looked up, irritated to be pulled from his studying a second time.

“How well do you know Gundren?”

Merle cocked his head to the side, eyes softening at Magnus’s concerned tone. “Not terribly well, I guess.” He closed his book and came up to sit next to Magnus on the driver’s bench. “We’ve only really talked when he would visit back where I grew up. We sometimes send letters back and forth, just to see how the other’s doing.” He shrugged. “Cousin stuff.”

Nodding, Magnus brought his eyes back to the road. “He wouldn’t... scam you, right? Or put you in any danger?” He couldn’t help but speak in a hushed tone, as though Gundren would emerge from the piles of goods and take offence.

Merle paused at that, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. He stared down at the closed book in his hands with a serious expression before looking to the road ahead. “I can’t say I’m overly fond of him, but Gundren isn’t like that. He comes from honest folk - Rockseekers don’t tend to engage in sketchy business. Gundren most likely has the best intentions and I have no reason to believe differently.” A pause. “Probably.”

As the two sat in silence, ruminating on their situation, Magnus felt a wet nose brush against his elbow. He lifted his arm to see Ruby, Gundren’s dog that had been put on the cart with the goods. Despite Ruby’s… less than appealing appearance, Magnus felt himself softly smiling. He gave the dog a gentle scratch behind the ear.

“What I’m more worried about is his escort,” Merle said with a frown. “The fighter. What was his name?

Magnus hummed. “I feel like… Hallwinter? Was that it?”

Merle shook his head. “No, no, that’s the barkeep’s name.” The dwarf absentmindedly rubbed Ruby’s head as he thought. He let out  a humorless chuckle. “Wow. It’s been less than a day and I can’t remember this guy’s name.”

“Barry, right?” Taako called from the back. Magnus didn’t even know he had been listening.

Merle snapped his fingers. “Barry Bluejeans! That’s it.” His face sobered. “I believe in Gundren. It’s Barry I’m worried about. Gundren’s always been a little easy to manipulate when money’s involved, and I can’t help but worry Barry did something to get to his head.” Merle sighed, leaning back. “Or maybe Gundren is up to shady business. I’m not saying it couldn’t happen, in fact I wouldn’t be _overly_ surprised if it did. Like I said, he’s easily swayed by money.” He tapped his hand against his book. “I’m studying up for a reason. Something’s up, I’ll admit that, but just how bad it’s going to end up being is hard to say.”

Magnus nodded. “This isn’t quite right. I can tell.” He gripped the reigns tighter and glanced at the axe lying next to him for reassurance. “I just hope we’re ready when it all starts going down.”

“Well, as long as we get paid I don’t really care what’s up,” Taako yelled up at them. “I think we all know we need this money, consequences be damned.”

A sigh slipped from Magnus’s lips. As much as he wished he could disagree, Taako was right. He hardly had enough to pay his rent and eat on a regular basis ever since his carpentry business began to crash. Neverwinter was much harder to make a living in than Magnus had thought when he moved there.

The fighter was pulled from his thoughts as he noticed a pair of lumps of the road ahead. He squinted and leaned forward, slowing the oxen to a stop. Merle looked at him with a quizzical expression, but Magus ignored him in favor of investigating the strange figures. He could tell they weren’t humanoid, which was a relief, and he took in their muscled bodies and long legs. Horses.

Taako made his way to the front of the wagon. “What’s up? Why’d we stop?”

Magnus shushed him. “We’ve got dead horses in the road,” He whispered. Then he paused as he noticed a strange movement in the brush just off the road. He strained his eyes and was just able to make out the shape of crouched figures. Before he could warn Merle and Taako, two goblins burst from the forest and began rushing the cart with their weapons drawn.

All three members of the party stood. Magnus reached to his side and pulled his axe from the floor. In his peripherals he saw Merle grab his axe, and from the rustling behind him he could assume Taako drew his wand from his robe.

Merle stepped forward and quickly flipped through his book. He paused at the page that held the spell _Bless_ , considering it for a moment. He shook his head and turned to _Sacred Flame_. He nodded at this and began to mumble under his breath. A bright light formed in his hand, and he pointed his finger to one of the goblins.

The creature immediately burst into flame, screeching in pain. It’s flesh took on a darkened hue, and the skin began to bubble and burst. Blood spilled from some of the worst burns, causing the creature to scream as he threw himself to the ground to put out the flames. The goblin just lied in the dirt with labored breathing as his blood began to mix with the dirt road to make a red mud that stuck to him. He was alive, but just barely.

Magnus looked back at Taako. “There’s another in the brush. You wanna get him?”

Taako squinted. “I can’t really make him out.” He daintily lifted his wand and pointed it at the goblin on the ground. “I’ll just go with this.” A pale blue light began to flicker at the end of his wand. He flicked it gently, and a beam of light shot from the wand and hit the goblin on the ground square in the chest. It instantly froze solid as it was knocked back with the force of the blast. A chunk of frozen dirt came with from where its blood had seeped into the ground.

Magnus watched as the frozen goblin landed back on the ground and shattered. He heard Taako giggle a little, and shot him a look before turning to the other goblin running at the cart. He narrowed his eyes and gripped his axe with both hands before crouching. He launched himself off the cart, bringing his axe up over his head.

There was a loud squelching sound as he brought the axe down squarely on the goblin’s head. The axe tore through his body before landing with a _thunk_ and embedding itself in the ground. Magnus winced as dark blood and viscera splattered his body, and he gently wiped some off his face. He gagged as some made its way into his mouth. The two goblin halves split apart, landing on either side of Magnus’s axe. He watched in disgust as the goblin’s strange organs spilled out, dancing out of the way before it spilled onto his boots.

A rustling noise caught Magnus’s attention, and he looked up to see the third goblin step out of the brush with a horrified expression. The creature snapped out of its trance as it noticed Magnus staring at her, and she quickly drew a shortbow. She fiddled with the arrow for a moment before it burst into flame and she sloppily launched it at the cart.

It felt like the arrow was flying into slow motion as Magnus watched the arrow embed itself into the canvas covering of the cart. The two occupants of the cart jumped to the other side as it did with yells.

“Put that out!” Magnus yelled at them, turning back to see the goblin running away.

“Yeah, no shit!” Taako yelled back, but Magnus ignored him in favor of running after the goblin. He was quickly gaining on the creature when an axe flew past him and embedded itself in the goblin’s back. It fell to the ground, dead. Magnus stopped and whirled around to see Merle, now axeless, running over. Taako seemed to have put out the fire as Merle attacked based on the lack of flames engulfing the cart. The elf pulled the arrow from the canvas, cleaning off the flammable substance from the tip as he made his way over to Magnus as well.

Merle looked Magnus up and down. “You good?”

“Yeah,” He said, wiping some more goblin innards off his chest. “They couldn’t even touch me.”

Taako caught up to them and scanned the wreckage they had left. “So, now what?” He asked, poking the bisected goblin’s leg with his foot. “Do we just… keep going?”

“I say we loot them,” Magnus said, crouching down.

Taako perked up at this and clapped his hands once. “That’s a great idea! Why didn’t I think of that?”

Magnus picked up a stick from the dirt road and began rifling in the goblin’s bloodsoaked pockets with it. After a long minute of poking and prodding, Merle let out an irritated growl and bent down next to him. The two locked eyes as Merle used his bare hands to dig into the goblin’s pockets. After a moment he pulled out a small bag which he shook to reveal the familiar klink of coin. At Magnus’s disgusted glance to his hand, Merle shrugged. “What, you think I’ve never been elbow-deep in goo before?” He threw his empty hand up, launching drops of blood into the air that Taako quickly jumped to avoid. “I’m a cleric! It’s in the job description!”

“Yeah, it’s still gross,” Taako said, brushing off his clothing. “What do we have?”

Merle poured the coins into his hands. It was mostly coppers and silvers, but it had four or five golds. He counted them quickly. “We’ve got about twenty gold, here.”

Magnus nodded. “I’ll carry it.” He held out his hand.

“Uhm, no,” Taako cut in, stepping between his companions. “I should think not.” He crossed his arms. “I’ve known you two months, bud, don’t get greedy with my trust just yet.”

Merle put the coins back in the bag. “Well, I am a cleric, you know. We’re honest folk.” He shrugged. “Maybe I should carry it.”

Magnus frowned. “How about we split it.” He rubbed his hands together. “I feel like Merle and I did most of the work, so…”

Taako’s ears flattened against the side of his head and he took a step forward. His eyes were dark, and Magnus could see his pointed canines as he snarled: “Alright, listen here -” He shut his mouth abruptly and turned away from Magnus. He took a deep breath to calm himself, ears relaxing. “I say we each get six gold and we put the rest into a pool we split later.” His eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly. “How’s that?”

Magnus nodded, hands up in surrender. “Alright, alright. That’s fair.” Merle dished out the coin under Taako’s watchful eye. In the end the cleric ended up carrying the pot since his reason seemed the most sound to the party.

Merle looked up at the other two. “Ok, so _now_ what?”

Magnus looked ahead to the horses in the road. “I say we check the roadblock.” He shifted worriedly. “They may be Gundren and Barry’s.” He went to head over to them, but paused as he passed the corpse of the goblin that had shot the cart. Reaching down, Magnus picked up her shortbow and examined it. The weapon wasn’t terribly well made, but as it stood Magnus lacked any range in his attacks. He slung it over his back along with the quiver and made his way over to the horses. The fighter heard Merle jump into the brush to retrieve his axe as he crouched next to the beasts.

Quiet footsteps informed Magnus that Taako had joined him. The elf leaned down and gently touched one of their flanks. “Still warm.” He squinted, gaze scrutinizing. “These are Gundren’s horses. I recognize them.” His thumbed across a gray patch. “They’ve got a distinct pattern going on.” Then his gaze snapped to the side and he gingerly picked up a tube of some kind. He slowly turned it over in his hands and hummed. “This is Gundren’s map container. He had it on him in the pub.” Taako looked into the open top with a frown. “Whoever got them took it for some reason.”

Magnus frowned. “Weird.”

“Look at that,” Taako said, standing. He pointed to a scuffing in the dirt that Magnus hadn’t previously noticed. It looked as though something had been forcefully dragged away from the scene after the horses were taken out. Taako began tapping his foot anxiously, no doubt coming to the same conclusion. “I say we go back and check out the brush. These goblins couldn’t have been here by coincidence. Whatever happened here happened too recently.”

Magnus stood, but shook his head. “No matter what’s going on, we can’t just up and leave the cart. People in Phandalin are depending on it.”

“Fine.” Taako waved his hand in the direction of the cart. “You stay with the goods, and Merle and I investigate.”

“Woah, woah, woah,” Merle said, running up to join the group. He was ever so slightly panting, leading Magnus to believe that he had much more trouble unlodging the axe from the goblin than he would ever admit.

Taako snorted. “Nice of you to join us.”

Merle flipped him off. “It’s not a good idea to split up. If those goblins were here, then there’s probably more nearby.” He paused, humming thoughtfully. “We could just hide the cart.”

After a failed attempt to coax Taako into using a spell to move the cart (“I literally can’t, you dumbasses!”), Magnus ended up gently guiding the oxen off the road and into the brush. He gently patted Lucky and Midnight on the back. “We’ll be back, boys, don’t you worry.” He received a loud exhale in return from Midnight.

Magnus made his way to the back of the cart. He climbed in and was immediately approached by a frightened Ruby. The dog jumped up at his leg, whining quietly. The fighter slowly crouched down and scratched under Ruby’s chin. “That was probably scary for you, wasn’t it? Sorry, girl.” He rifled through the goods until he found the food and bowls Gundren had given them for Ruby. Magnus poured a generous portion into one of the bowls for Ruby, and nearly emptied his waterskin in the other. “We’ll be back soon.” He gave Ruby one last scratch before heading back out to Merle and Taako.

There was a fairly noticeable hole in the brush where Gundren and Barry had been dragged. Magnus, Merle, and Taako all stared into it. The fighter let out a sigh. “Let’s do this.”

The drag marks were surprisingly very easy to follow through the forested area. Magnus was on high alert as they made their way wherever the marks led, tightly clutching his axe and straining his ears for any suspicious noise. His companions seemed just on edge; Taako’s eyes were darting from side to side as he anxiously twirled his wand and Merle had a finger lodged between the pages of his book for easy access to a spell.

They slowed to a stop as they approached the mouth of a cave. The sound of gently running water from a stream that flowed through it gave the forest a strangely serene feeling despite the circumstances. Magnus was struck by the beauty of it, juxtaposing emotions flowing through his mind and addling it. His eyes followed the stream until he saw an adjacent path leading into the cave. The fighter squinted, but could only see about twenty feet into the cave.

“Can one of you cast something to make a light?” Magnus turned to Taako. “You’re the wizard. You got anything?”

The elf shook his head just as Merle spoke up. “I have a cantrip called Light.” He flipped through his book before looking up. “Here. What do you want me to cast it on?”

“Can you… do my axe?” Magnus held up his weapon hesitantly.

Merle nodded. “I don’t see why not.” He gently placed his hand on Magnus’s axe. After closing his eyes and muttering a few phrases from his book, a bright light slowly formed on the weapon. The cantrip was ended with a prayer in what Magnus assumed was dwarvish. Merle pulled his hand away, and the light remained.

Magnus held the weapon up to his face, squinting at the brightness. “Bitchin’.”

“Now, don’t be a little shit or I’ll turn it off. I have dark vision, you know.” Merle turned to face the cave. “Let’s do this.”

Weapon held out, Magnus led the way into the cavern. Almost immediately he was met with a strange clicking sound. He paused for a moment and looked back at Taako and Merle. They looked as confused as the fighter was. Taako gestured for him to keep going with a shrug.

The sound grew louder as they moved on, and Magnus could only compare the sound to that of chains. He narrowed his eyes as an offshoot appeared to his right. It seemed to be the source of the sound, and Magnus immediately took off into it.

“What are you doing?” Taako hissed. “We don’t know what’s down there!”

Magnus stopped and turned to him. “Well, what if it’s Barry and Gundren?”

Merle crossed his arms. “You fool! Wait for us!” His shout echoed off the walls, immediately frightening a small wave of bats. They didn’t fly low enough to bother Merle, but Taako had to duck to avoid being clipped.

The wizard groaned, putting his face in his hands. “Well, now they know we’re here. Excellent.”

Magus kept going down the tunnel, always making sure he could see Merle and Taako. He abruptly stopped when the tunnel opened up to a large room. It was home to a number of stalagmites with large metal beams growing from them. What made Magnus halt wasn’t the clear signs of occupation, though, but the three wolves chained to the metal rods.

The axe was immediately shoved behind Magnus’s back as he made a frantic gesture for Merle to cut the light. Either Merle didn’t see it or didn’t care, because it remained bright as ever. Luckily for Magnus, the wolves didn’t seem to be aggressive. They were eyeing the fighter warily, but had yet to even stand from their lying positions.

One hand out, palm up, as a sign of appeasement Magnus cautiously approached the wolves. He took a deep breath and did his best to appear as confident as possible. He wanted to give the wolves the idea that he could take them if he needed to, but that it didn’t have to come to that.

One of the wolves stood as he approached, and another began to growl softly. Magnus stopped, and they minutely calmed. He took another couple steps and one snarled at him. The fighter looked up past the one standing up to see a strange, unnatural-looking crevice in the back of the room. His eyes followed it as it led up and through the ceiling, presumably to another floor.

Another loud snarl snapped Magnus’s gaze back to the wolves. All three were standing now, hackles up and teeth bared. Magnus took this as a sign to leave and slowly backed out of the room. He took one last look at the crevice and slowly made his way back to Merle and Taako. He pointed back behind him, “There’s ah, some wolves. I don’t think it’s worth dealing with them.”

Taako nodded. “Alright. I’ll take your word for it.” He huffed. “That was a dull waste of time, I’ll have you know.”

Merle kicked him lightly in the leg. “Shut up. Let’s go.”

As the group made their way down the main tunnel, the clinking noise grew quieter and the cave grew darker. The light from the mouth had completely faded, leaving Magnus dependant on his illuminated axe. The light had a yellowish tone to it, giving the cave walls a sickly tint that made Magnus’s stomach turn slightly. He felt a tinge of envy for his companions. Merle had outright stated that he had the ability to see in the dark, and from what Magnus knew of elves Taako also had the skill.

A clump of odd shadows caught Magnus’s attention, and he turned to see a damaged passageway across the stream. It was littered with rubble, entrance partially obscured. Magnus could only assume there had been a cave in. He shuddered, realizing that he and his companions faced such a risk. Forget goblins, one wrong bump into a support beam and they’d be dead in an instant.  
Merle grabbed Magnus’s shirt. “Look up,” He whispered.

There was an overpass spanning the width of the tunnel ahead. It linked two doors on the second story, and Magnus was brought back to the crevice in the wolf room. He frowned and wondered if it would have been worth braving the wolves for an opportunity to get up there. Merle poked him again, more urgent now, and Magnus squinted to see a figure on the overpass. He stiffened, gripping his axe a little tighter.

“Hello!”

Magnus whirled around to face Taako. “What are you doing?” He hissed.

A confused sound came from up above, and the figure took a few steps closer to the edge of the overpass.

Despite Magnus and Merle’s attempts to silence him, Taako yelled up in a language Magnus didn’t understand. Much to his surprise, the spoke back in what Magnus interpreted in a mostly friendly tone. He shared a confused glance with Merle as Taako and the figure struck up a conversation in the strange tongue.

After a few exchanges, Taako’s grunting voice took on a slightly anxious lilt. His eyes flickered to Magnus and Merle as he yelled up some more. He seemed to say something the figure wasn’t keen on, as it took a few steps back and yelled in a higher pitch. Taako winced and tried something else. The figure seemed to lighten up, and sounded confused.

Magnus’s jaw dropped as Taako seemed to introduce himself, his name being the only word the fighter understood. “Don’t do that!” He whispered harshly, wanting nothing more than to throw his hand over the elf’s mouth. Taako waved his hand dismissively at him and continued his conversation.

Suddenly, the figure turned to the side and called out. Taako’s ears flattened to the side of his head as he did, sheepishly turning toward his companions. “Ok, I just want to start with a hearty ‘I tried’, and you should probably get ready for a fight.”

Magnus felt the blood rush from his face. “What did you say to him?”

“Nothing bad!” Taako put his hands up in surrender. “I just told him why we were here.”

Merle groaned. “Why would you do that?”

“Shut up! I was panicking!” Taako’s hands snapped to his side in fists. “Ok, next time _you_ can play goblin diplomat!”

Magnus was about to cut in when he heard a loud racket from behind the overpass. He immediately dropped into a defensive position. Pulling his shield from his back, he stepped forward to stand between his companions and the sound. A sharp banging rang through the air and he tensed, axe ready to swing.

A shimmering veil wrapped around him suddenly, and he glanced back to see Merle’s hand extended towards him. The fighter grinned and swung his axe gently. He felt lighter, like he could dodge an attack easier.

Magnus looked up as a _twang_ echoed through the room. The figure on the overpass, which Magnus now realized was a goblin, had shot an arrow from his shortbow. The fighter heard Merle yell in pain, and he whirled around to see an the arrow embedded in his shoulder. The dwarf fell to the ground with a hiss, and Magnus watched Taako’s features fill with anger for his companion. The elf’s wand was pointed up in an instant, a bright beam of light shooting from it with a shout. It struck the goblin square in the chest, causing him to take a few steps back but keep his footing.

Magnus was about to run over to Merle when he heard the sound of something heavy falling to the ground behind him. Taako’s ears flicked, and his eyes filled with fear a moment before Magnus heard the sound of rapidly rushing water. In a moment of panic, he grabbed his shortbow from his back and shot an arrow at the goblin on the overpass. Surprisingly, it hit. The goblin muttered one last sentence in goblin before he fell into the stream.

The river was beginning to pick up and overflow, and Merle shot it a nervous glance. He ran to the wall and attempted to climb up to the overpass. When he attempted to use his injured shoulder, he yelled in pain and fell back to the ground. Magnus received a panicked glance.

Taako, clearly worried about the water himself, made his way over to the wall as well. Unlike Merle, Taako had no physical impairment to keep him grounded and he quickly made his way up the wall and onto the overpass. He looked down with a concerned expression at his companions as the sound of rushing water grew nearer.

Magnus spared one last thought for the wellbeing of the wolves in the tunnel before he was blasted by a wall of water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I don't have a beta, and I'll admit this chapter was a little rushed. It's easier to write this fic fast, since I'm listening to the podcast as I write for accuracy. If you could point out any mistakes for me, that would be great. Hope you like the fic :)


	3. 03

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Merle has an impromptu medical procedure preformed, Taako plays ambassador, and Magnus gets with the program.

Merle was swept off his ass as the water hit. He resisted the urge to breathe in water as he groped blindly at the cave wall. His hands met stone and he grasped with all his might. The water failed to drag him along for a moment, and Merle felt his chest fill with relief. 

Without warning, a piece of debris flew through the water and hit Merle squarely in his injured shoulder. He automatically released the wall out of pain. Reaching out for the wall again as he was quickly swept away, Merle managed to grab hold of it one more time before something large collided with him and he was knocked too far from the wall to grab it again. 

Whatever had crashed into him surrounded him suddenly, and Merle realized it was Magnus. The fighter held on tight, but loosened his grip slightly when Merle drew his injured shoulder away. Merle’s lungs were screaming for air, but he felt too weak to move. The dwarf suddenly felt himself being pulled up, and after an agonizing moment his head broke the surface of the river. Gasping for breath, Merle gripped Magnus tightly as the water began to recede. He closed his eyes and waited for whatever happened next.

Merle finally felt himself still as a bright light invaded his senses. He opened his eyes to find himself at the mouth of the cave, gently floating in the subsided stream with Magnus. The two struggled to get back to the shoreline, finally climbing up onto the path adjacent to the stream. Merle lay on his stomach, wheezing with every breath. His shoulder hurt like a bitch, and getting hit with a wall of water wasn’t doing much for the rest of his body.

Next to him, the blurry image of Magnus was coughing up water. Merle groaned, attempting to regulate his breathing. Water fell in rivulets down his face, and he had to blink some out of his eyes. Slowly, his vision began to clear. Merle attempted to ignore the pain in his shoulder by following cracks in the wall as they came into focus. 

“You guys good?”

Merle looked up slowly to see Taako standing over them. He was completely dry, the bastard. Standing over his companions with an expression that managed to mix amused and worried. The dwarf groaned and weakly punched his leg. 

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Taako crouched down. “But more of an, ‘I’ll be ok after a break’, yes.” He raised a thin eyebrow. “We’re gonna pop a squat for a little bit. Sound good?”

Magnus made a noise of affirmation, slowly making his way to a sitting position. Merle didn’t move, and slowly felt himself drifting off. A sharp slap to the face pulled him from his dozing. He glared up at Taako with a shocked expression.

“Hey, man, you look like shit. I don’t want my cleric going to sleep and never waking up, ok? Next time I could be the one on the ground.” Despite Taako’s aloof wording, he couldn’t hide the panic that laced his words. Merle just gave a short laugh which turned into a coughing fit. He felt Taako tense beside him. “Hey, I’m gonna take a look at your shoulder. That ok?”

Merle managed enough energy to nod. He felt thin fingers gently brush his upper back, gently nudging the area around his shoulder. A hiss of pain escaped his lips as a particularly tender area was prodded. The fingers immediately withdrew for a moment before continuing. 

After Taako scoped out his entire shoulder, Merle heard him rusting around in his bag. “I hope you aren’t too attached to that shirt,” he mumbled. There was a dull pressure, and Merle realized Taako was using a knife to gently remove the short sleeve of his shirt to have better access to the wound. It stung a bit when Taako pulled the blood-soaked material away from him, but the cool air against his wound was almost soothing. 

“Ok, Merle? The stem broke, but there’s still arrow in there.” Taako hesitated. “I’m gonna have to pull it out.”

Merle didn’t have the energy to speak, but resigned himself to the reality of the situation. Taako was unpracticed in medicine and and would probably do his shoulder even more harm that had already been done. That said, the arrow had to be removed and Merle didn’t think Magnus could do the deed any better than Taako. Worse, probably, since his fingers were so much larger than Taako’s. 

“Here,” Magnus said. Merle heard him pass something to Taako, which he was eventually able to see was a basic healer’s kit. Taako pulled a couple surprisingly dry bandages out along with a strip of cloth. He offered the cloth to Merle, who opened his mouth to take it. The cloth tasted foul, but it was better than biting off his tongue when the pain came.

Taako let out a shaky breath. “Ok, here we go.”

Merle closed his eyes as he felt Taako’s surprisingly steady fingers brush against his wound. They nudged against the stem of the arrow. Merle bit down hard on the rag at the rockets of pain it sent through his shoulder. He felt Taako hesitate for a moment before quickly yet gently grasping as low as he could and pulling out the arrowhead in one quick pull. A noise of distressed was pulled from Merle’s throat along with the arrow. He bit down harder and squeezed his hands into fists. 

A gentle trickling sensation followed almost immediately after the pain. “I wish I had some booze,” Taako muttered. “Water’ll have to do for now.” The elf gently pulled Merle into a sitting position and began to wrap the bandages around him. “I’m probably doing a shitty job with this, so feel free to redo it later.” 

Merle just grunted in return, gently moving his arm to test his movement. He was able to make an almost complete rotation without excruciating pain, which he found to be amazing. The arrow must not have been as deep as it felt. 

“Do they know we’re still here?” Magnus asked warily from Merle’s right.

Taako shook his head with a slight smirk. “They won’t be bothering us.”

Magnus eyed him warily but didn’t probe further. He turned to Merle. “How long before you’re back in working shape?”

Merle just shook his head and closed his eyes, rolling his shoulder a little more. If he waited a bit he’d have the strength to cast something on himself, but that ran the risk of not having it later. If he wasn’t so damn poor he would have elixirs on him. Then again, if he wasn’t so damn poor he wouldn’t be in this predicament.

The stream had significantly calmed, enough that it was barely audible in the silent tunnel. Merle’s eyes lazily followed it out of the cave and into the forested area outside. A small smile grew on his face as he watched the wind gently shake the trees. A few birds were singing as well, seemingly unfazed by the cascade of water that had just burst from the tunnel.

Merle, Taako, and Magnus sat on the ground of the cave mouth for a good fifteen minutes before Merle began flipping through his soaked book to find something to get himself back on his feet. There wasn’t much of anything. Luckily for him, though, the book was still usable despite being wet. His X-treme Teen Bible wasn’t so lucky, however. Merle watched with sad eyes as the pages practically disintegrated under his touch. He threw it to the side and decided to forget about it. The book was an old version anyway - it held some ideas that had gone out of style years ago. 

Merle slowly stood after he felt some of his strength return, wincing as he was forced to use his shoulder, and turned to his party. “We should probably get to Gundren and Barry.”

Taako gave him a wary look, but agreed. Magnus was practically already halfway down the tunnel before Merle got his last word out. Despite being buffeted by the water just as Merle had, the fighter seemed ready for another go. Merle shook his head and, with a glance at Taako, began to make his way back down the tunnel.

It was eerily quiet in the tunnel after the raging cascade of water, and Merle felt himself grow a tad uneasy. The feeling was further compounded on as he watched the corpse of the goblin that had fallen from the bridge float lazily down the river next to them. Merle’s nose wrinkled at the thought of the body contaminating the nature outside. 

A welcoming yell from the overpass had Merle looking up suddenly. He blinked in confusion as he saw Taako already up there, legs dangling over the side. The elf must have ran past him and fervently crawled up the wall without making a sound. The dwarf shook his head and chalked it up to wizard stuff. Or elf stuff. Whichever. Regardless, Taako threw a rope down for them to climb up with a sleazy grin.

Merle hesitantly grabbed the rope, testing his shoulder. It didn’t seem to be as bad as it was a few minutes ago, and he began to pull himself up. It took him surprisingly little time, and it seemed that the moment his foot left the ground he was abruptly on the overpass.

“What the fuck,” Whispered Taako. The elf’s eyes were wide as he looked all over Merle’s figure. “Can you teleport or something? What the fuck.”

Blinking, Merle frowned. “No?” He looked down. Magnus was giving him an equally quizzical expression, gently gripping the rope. The fighter eventually shook his head and began to ascend.  
Another ‘what the fuck’ slipped through Taako’s lips as Magnus struggled a bit to climb the rope. Taako and Merle watched in silence as the burly, muscled fighter made his way up inch by inch. After an embarrassingly long period of time, Magnus finally heaved himself onto the overpass. Merle gave a little clap and Taako patted him on the back.

Taako’s ears swiveled to one side. A moment later, Merle heard rushing water from the same direction. The sound easily drowned out the river below, which had began to diminish so much Merle would call it more of a creek than anything. From the other side of Merle, the scent of cooking flesh floated over. The dwarf looked to his companions.

Magnus seemed to be favoring the rushing water despite his experience mere minutes ago, and Taako was practically being pulled toward the meat. They both looked back to Merle. The cleric sighed. “If I’m playing tiebreaker,” he whispered, “I say we check out the meat.”

After a short argument on who was the stealthiest, Taako slowly began to make his way towards the smell of meat. The elf kept his wand gripped tightly in his hand and his ears were pricked, listening. He peered around the corner and took in the room at the end of the hall.

“Are they cooking Gundren and Barry?” Merle hissed after a moment. He made sure to keep his voice just loud enough for Taako to hear, but not so loud that anyone else could. Magnus shot him a worried, almost disgusted look. “It’s a possibility, don’t give me that.”

Taako made a ‘no’ motion with his hand, still looking in the room. He then held up four fingers and made a clawing motion. Four goblins. One finger wagging back and forth. One hostage. Magnus looked confused, and turned to Merle. He shook his head and continued staring at Taako. Merle and Taako had come up with the system a long while ago, back when they would gladly take goblin jobs from the boards. There was a pause where Taako took a step back. He then waved them over.

Merle and Magnus slowly snuck over next to Taako. Merle scanned the room, taking note of the staircase-like structure that led up to a second level. The hostage was up there, a human. The three goblins on the floor were chatting casually around a small fire that was cooking a leg of some kind. 

Magnus snapped his fingers to catch Merle and Taako’s attention. He began a sequence of complicated hand signals that Merle didn’t really understand. After he had finished, Magnus looked at them expectantly. Taako and Merle exchanged baffled glances for a moment before slowly nodding. Best to just appease him short-term and figure it out as they went along. After a moment of Magnus looking at Taako expectantly, the elf seemed to realize that he was meant to make the first move.  

With a deep breath, Taako turned the corner and launched three bolts from his wand. Merle couldn’t see where he aimed, but there was a guttural cry that led Merle to believe his shot had hit true. In an instant, Magnus was at Taako’s side releasing an arrow. Based on his sharp grin, Merle assumed he also hit his target.

Merle figured it was his turn. He pulled his warhammer from his back and ran around the corner at the goblins on the ground. Taking a deep breath, Merle swung his hammer into one of the goblins. It wasn’t quite as hard as he had intended, and as he regained his momentum the creature stood. The goblin seemed rather unfazed by the attack, towering over Merle with a scowl. The dwarf gulped, pausing.

The goblin swung his fist at Merle, but he easily dodged it by jumping to the side. Out of the corner of his eye, Merle saw another goblin run at his companion. A hurt grunt that sounded like it was coming from Magnus rang through the air, but Merle was more occupied watching a third goblin scale the wall towards the figure laying on it. Before Merle could attempt to intervene, the goblin had the figure, now clearly human, held over the edge of the second level.

“Put your weapons down,” He spoke in a calm, surprisingly smooth voice. His posture relaxed slightly when the fighting stopped. “The three of you strike me as... businessmen.” He cocked his head to the side with a small smile. “Is that a fair assumption?” 

“I love business,” Taako replied. Merle couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

“I don’t think anybody in this room wants to get stabbed any more than we already have been.” The goblin gestured to Magnus as he spoke, who gave a humorless chuckle in reply. “I have a… a proposition for you.”

Taako came to stand next to Merle, Magnus following slower. “Uh, ok.” Taako gave a grin. “Hit us!” Merle shot him an incredulous look before turning back to the goblin.

“I will allow you to leave this cave with your Barry Bluejeans,” He shook the human in his hand for emphasis, “alive and unharmed.” He paused, eyes boring into each of the party. “If you do me one small favor.”

“Eh, what is it?” Merle supposed Taako was just their goblin ambassador now.

The goblin grinned. “I want you to depose our current employer, whose name is Klarg. I want you to help me help you.” He paused. “Help me.”

Magnus huffed out a laugh and leaned into Merle. “‘What will it take you to murder my boss today?’” He whispered mockingly. Merle had to stifle a chuckle, steeling his face.

“So, in short, I need you to get rid of Klarg for me. And I know you’re wondering, ‘What’s in it for me?’” The goblin’s tone switched to a deadpan. “I’ve already told you this, it is Barry Bluejeans. I will give you Barry Bluejeans alive and well.”

Taako motioned for Merle and Magnus to lean in. “Do you have any idea who Barry Bluejeans is?” He whispered. “Do we care who Barry Bluejeans is?”

Magnus frowned. “He was what's-his-face’s buddy, I think.”

Merle sighed. “Yes. He was the mercenary with Gundren.” He punched Taako in the leg. “You were the only one who remembered his name earlier!”

Taako raised his hands in surrender. “That was a while ago!”  
“That was less than two hours ago!”

“Excuse me sir,” Magnus stepped forward. “Goblin, sir?”

The goblin perked up. “Yes?”

Magnus clasped his hands behind his back. “What - why -”

“I’m sorry, what is your name? I - ah, how rude of me.” The goblin gave Magnus a toothy smile.

“Ah, Magnus Burnsides: The Hammer.”

“The what?” Taako whispered. “When did that happen?”

Magnus chuckled. “I ah, picked up the nickname a long time ago. You guys weren’t there but it has a super-cool story that would take too long to explain.” At his companion’s quizzical expressions, he waved his hand. “Trust me, it’s sick.” There was an awkward pause before Magnus quickly turned back up to face the goblin. “And what is your name, sir?”

Merle stepped forward. “My name is, of course -”

Magnus flicked the back of his head. “No, not you. I know your name,” He deadpanned.

“Oh, sorry.”

The goblin looked a little concerned, like he was considering the likelihood of the group actually doing the given task. “You can call me Yeemick.” 

Magnus nodded. “ _ Yeemick _ , why do you want us to depose Klarg?” The human cocked his head to the side. “Is it a power grab?”

Yeemick considered the question. “Ah, let’s call him a  _ new hire _ . A transfer, from ah…”

Merle raised a brow. “The home office?” He joked.

“The ‘home office’, yes, essentially.” Yeemick’s joking tone sobered. “Let’s just say that there are certain goblins in this, ah, institution who are not Klarg’s biggest fan.”

The two goblins on the group’s level nodded with scowls. “Fuck that guy,” One of them muttered. “For  _ real _ , though.”

Taako took  a graceful step forward. “Ah, I have a question - I hate to interrupt.”

Yeemick motioned for him to continue.

“Is is far away?”

Yeemick looked a bit taken aback by the question. “Oh, no, it’s in this very cave, in a lofty antichamber.”

“Where were you educated, sir?” Magnus cut in. Merle punched him a bit, appalled by the rude question. “You are very well spoken.”

Yeemick placed Barry down and clasped his hands together. “I went to Harvard.”

Taako rolled his eyes. “Fuckin’ patronizing,” He muttered.

If Yeemick heard him, he ignored the insult. “If you would rather refuse my offer, we can continue the fight,” He motioned to the lazily dripping blood falling from Magnus’s arm, “and I can drop Barry Bluejeans to his death.” The goblin went back to dangling Barry over the edge for emphasis before looking at them expectantly.

“Well,” Magnus said, clapping his hands together. “Frankly, I see this as a win-win for everybody.”

Yeemick nodded. “I agree.”

A laugh slipped from Taako’s lips suddenly. The elf covered his mouth in an attempt to stifle it, but he couldn’t seem to stop. At Merle’s appalled stare, he pulled his hand away. “Especially Barry!”

Magnus snorted. “Especially Barry.” He looked back to Yeemick with a wide smile. “It seems like you get what you want, and we’ll get what we want.”

Merle’s eyes travelled from Yeemick to Barry, who he could now see in the firelight. The dwarf winced as he took in the extent of the mercenary’s injuries. He was breathing, but it was labored and uneven. Bruises and lacerations were littered across his body, small amounts of blood shining in the firelight.

Taako’s sigh pulled Merle from his assessment. “I just don’t see what we get out of this.”

Magnus shrugged. “Well, it’s what we were gonna do anyways, right? We were gonna take out the boss-man and it seems like we -”

Taako threw his hands up, nearly sending his hat flying. “I thought we were just delivering something!”

“But we need Barry Bluejeans to find out what happened to the other dude.”

Yeemick had been growing more and more irritated as the conversation continued. “You do need -  _ everyone _ needs a Barry Bluejeans.”

Merle finally spoke up. “Alright, I say we agree to his terms.”

Taako made a grumbling noise, but didn’t voice any opposition.

“But, first,” Magnus took a step forward as he spoke, hands up in a placating manor, “before we agree to anything, I am gonna need Barry Bluejeans brought back over the edge.” His face momentarily hardened, and he stood as tall as he could. “I need some indication that this is not a trap.”

Yeemick hummed. “I’m not going to murder Barry Blujeans, unless -”  
“Pull him back from over the edge, we can talk about this.” Taako clearly wasn’t taking the situation as seriously as he should based on his tone. Merle huffed at him bere going to stand next to Magnus.

“Just leave him on the stage up there and come down and join us.”

Yeemick gently lied Barry on the ground, close to the edge. It was compliance, but with the underlying threat of easily pushing the man to the lower level should he need to.

Magnus nodded. “And, what happened to Barry’s traveling companion?”

Yeemick shrugged with a smile. “I wouldn’t know anything about that. I’m pretty sure he was alone.” He gave them a sly, faux-innocent look. “Riding two horses. He’s a mountain of a man, as you can tell.”  
Merle narrowed his eyes. “Ok.” The goblin clearly wasn’t budging on the issue. “Magnus, before we go on, you need a heal?”

The fighter shook his head. “I’m good. Ah, Ye - uh- Me - Meemaw?”

“Uh,  _ Yeemick _ .”

Merle snorted. “ _ Meemaw.” _ He whispered, chuckling.

“Right, Yeemick. May we rest by your fire and partake in some of this, frankly, delicious-looking haunch before we move on to kill Klarg?”

Merle chuckled. Like  _ that _ was happening.

Sure enough, Yeemick shook his head. “No, I’m going to need you to, ah, ‘get this show on the road’, as we say at Harvard.”

Merle rolled his eyes.

“What’s in the box?” Magnus asked, seemingly trying to stall for time.

Yeemick looked extremely irritated that the group was still standing around. “Uh, stuff.  _ Go fucking kill Klarg _ .”

Taako burst out laughing, and Merle couldn’t help but to chuckle a bit with him. Magnus just looked apprehensive. Merle shook his head and nudged Magnus, trying to ease him. “Alright, where do we go?”

Yeemick perked up at the insinuation that they would be leaving. “Oh, you can find him across the overpass. We had that overpass put in earlier this year in a little bit of cave renovation. It’s quite nice don’t you think?”

The sudden shift in topic seemed to bore Taako enough to spur him into action. “Alright, fine, let’s go.”

The group turned toward the door. Merle pulled at his beard a bit in thought. “I say we go back over the overpass into the other chamber where we heard the waterfall; maybe we’ll have an angle on him.”

Taako raised an eyebrow. “That’s what we’re doing.”

As the group made their way out of the room, they heard Yeemick call out to them. “Goodbye! Have fun! Bring me his head!”

The group was about halfway over the overpass when Magnus stopped, bringing his voice to a whisper. “I don’t trust this situation.”

Taako wheezed out a laugh. “Yeah, no shit!”

Magnus nodded, looking a bit sheepish. “Ok. Cool. Just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page.”

Taako wasn’t done. “Great job, fantasy Angela Lansbury! Don’t know how you pieced that one together, he seemed so nice!”

Merle couldn’t contain his laughter as Magnus coughed and looked away from Taako. The fighter steeled himself. “Is there some way for us to kill both Klarg and this dude?”

“Oh, yeah, we’re going to,” Merle responded. He wasn’t sure if Magnus was just unused to his and Taako’s work style or what, but the fighter was awful slow on the uptake. If they ever did another job together, he’d have to adapt to their kill-everyone life.

Taako nodded. “Yeah, yeah, we’re killing everybody!” He laughed. “I thought that was implied!”

“As soon as.. ah.. Meemawk turns his back -”

“IT’S YEEMICK”

Merle felt the blood run from his face. Everyone on the overpass froze, hands gliding towards their weapons. Had the goblin heard the entire conversation? After a tense moment of no one coming after them, Merle decided that Yeemick had incredibly selective hearing and continued. “- we’re gonna snuff him.” He glanced behind him, but there were still no attackers. “Huh.”

Taako cracked his knuckles before drawing his wand from his robes and twirling it. “Alright, my guys. Let’s do this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to point out any mistakes, I'm still betaless. Hope you enjoyed!


	4. 04

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Taako makes a friend, Merle channels his inner strobe light, and Magnus pines after dogs.

There was a large chamber on the other side of the overpass. Taako slowly stepped out on the other side of said chamber to find himself on a ledge looking down at a large room. He stepped as close to the edge as possible to peer over, gripping his wand tightly.

Two pools of water looked back up at him, clearly unnatural in origin. They were lined with water-logged logs that formed roughly circular containers for the water to sit in. The logs were playing the role of dam for the waterfall they had been hearing.

A large gate sat on the side of each pool, and Taako deduced that those had been guilty of washing his companions back to the cave entrance. A few goblins were fiddling with one of the gates, oblivious to the figures above them. Taako motioned for the others to follow him, and the three made their way along the wall towards another doorway. They all crouched and peered around the corner. The room on the other side was a tad far to make out well, even with Taako’s improved eyesight, and up some stairs. But when he strained his ears he could make out a deep voice shouting what sounded like orders. “I don’t know about you guys, but that sounds kinda Klargish to me.”

Merle smirked next to him. “You know what, sure. It kinda does.”

Magnus looked confused. “I don’t hear a voice,” He whispered.

Taako rolled his eyes.  _ Humans _ . This is why he prefered working with Merle. Humans had painfully poor senses, and he was surprised more didn’t die adventuring because of it. “You will.” He gently ran his hand against the wall, pulling it away and observing the dampness. The floor was similarly wet, and Taako hoped it wouldn’t impare any potential fighting.

Taako squinted a bit, and was barely able to make out a blurry figure in the distance. It was  _ massive _ , whatever it was, at least compared to anyone else in the cave. He tapped his wand, thinking of a plan. “Ok, here’s what I’m thinking. What if… rather than try to fight Klarg… since, you know, we’re really not all that great in the combat department and Klarg’s probably a real big guy... we see if we can trade the information that we have in exchange for Barry.”

Merle cocked his head to the side, contemplating. “So…”

“We tell him that there is someone in his organization trying to kill him.” He began to act out the proposed scene with his fingers. “We’ll let him in on that, but he has to promise to let Barry go with us.”

Magnus nodded. “I like that.” His gaze wandered past Taako. He then frowned and began to make thinking motions with his hand. Taako thought he heard him mutter something about chimneys and wolves.

“I like your idea, but I think we need to work from a position of strength.” Merle tugged his beard in thought. “Why don’t we do something that makes him think we’re  _ real _ real badasses so he’ll think twice and maybe consider the offer.” He pulled out his still-damp spellbook and flipped through it. “I could make something light up or something… that might look cool.”

Magnus looked skeptical. “You think Klarg’s never seen light before?”

“Well, if something started to glow for no reason…”

Taako held his palm towards Magnus. “No, I think this is a a good idea.” He tapped his wand against his chin, thinking. “I can cast prestidigitation and make some sparks.”

Magnus nodded sagely. “And I’ll build a chair with my carpentry tools,” He drawled sarcastically. Taako punched his injured arm lightly.

“Use your shortbow.” Merle shrugged. “It’ll do something.”

Now that the plan was formed, the three silently crossed the corridor and to the stairs that would take them to Klarg. Merle needed help over the first ledge, since the bottom of the staircase was so malformed no one of his height could hope to scale it. When they reached the highest point they could climb without being seen, they made eye contact. With a nod, all three jumped out at the same time and executed their plan.

Taako had to squint as Merle began throwing light beams without a care. They bounced in every direction, immediately catching the attention of the cave’s inhabitants. Taako held his wand up and began to shoot spurts of colorful sparks into the air. Magnus looked a little out of place, but he appeared to be attempting to look intimidating. Taako took a deep breath and turned to the figure he assumed was Klarg. “Hello, friend!”

“No!” Merle hissed, kicking him in the shin. “Don’t call him friend!” He paused before smiling wide with a: “Hey, fatass!”

Magnus punched Merle’s shoulder. “No! Somewhere in the middle!”

Taako struggled for words, eyes wandering around the befuddled goblins. For whatever reason, his polished improv skills were failing him. “Hey… jerk!” The elf tried his best to sound intimidating, but based on the even more confusion-addled goblins he didn’t quite get there.

Without warning, a wolf barreled into Merle, knocking him dangerously near the fire pit in the center of the room. His last light beam went flying at Taako, who had to duck to avoid being blinded. The dwarf managed to keep his footing after being pushed and threw the wolf off with a wince. The creature landed gracefully, and it took a few steps back and fell into a defensive pose as Merle gripped his shoulder with a pained expression.

“Woah!” Someone cried. Taako turned to see something that was clearly not a goblin gaping at them. Klarg, he assumed. He was a large, muscled creature covered in fur. He looked awestruck, one clawed finger pointing to the sparks still leaking out of Taako’s wand. By some twist of fate, they had actually magaged to impress Klarg with their shitshow of a plan. Maybe this wouldn’t be so terrible. In the corner of his eye, Taako saw Magnus hold out his arm slightly, seemingly comparing his muscles to Klarg’s. The elf resisted the urge to roll his eyes in an attempt to seem stoic to Klarg.

“Magnus, can you ask Klarg to call off the wolves?”

Magnus bristled. “Why do I have to? You’re the one who speaks goblin!”

“The only thing I’m certain of right now is that Klarg is most certainly  _ not _ a goblin.” Taako gestured to Magnus’s muscled physique. “And I feel like if he charges you’re in the best position to deal with that.”

Magnus pointed to his wounded arm, to which Taako gestured to his bone-thin frame. The fighter sighed, but turned to the wolf instead of Klarg. He placed his hands out in a placating manor.

“Godsdamnit, Magnus, just kill it!” Merle yelled, rubbing at his shoulder gently and glaring at the wolf.

Magnus’s face fell. “But, I want a wolf buddy.”

Taako glared at him. “We can get you one later. Do something badass!” He waved his hands around, wand still spitting out the occasional spark. “We’re trying to impress!”

There was a pause, then Magnus took a deep, remorseful sigh and launched himself in the direction of the wolf. With striking ease, he picked the wolf up and launched him at the fire pit. 

Taako didn’t quite laugh, but he exhaled harshly out of his nose at the sudden bizarre movement.

The wolf yelped, squirming in the air. It managed to land on its feet, but howled in pain before jumping out at licking at its burt paws, whimpering. When Magnus took a step forward, the wolf jumped behind Klarg and bared its teeth. The other wolves that had entered shortly after the first snarled, awaiting instruction. 

Magnus’s face was hard as he pointed to Klarg. “Call them off.”

Instead of being intimidated, Klarg just looked baffled. “You threw my wolf in the fire!” 

“And I’ll do worse if you don’t stop him.” Magnus spoke with a seriousness Taako had never heard from the fighter. His eyes were dark, face steeled, and body deathly still. It made Taako slightly uneasy, even if the look wasn’t pointed at him. The elf couldn’t help but wonder if Magnus had been more than just a carpenter back in wherever he was from.

Klarg remained unperturbed. “But, he’s my favorite wolf!” He threw his huge, furry hands in the air. “And you threw him in the fire, though!”

Taako didn’t even notice Magnus draw his axe, but he pointed it at the wolf as it finally stepped out to stand in front of Klarg. “Then call him off or lose him forever.” He had an unnerving, practiced edge to his voice, harshly juxtaposing his usual easy going attitude. Everything down to the quirk of his eyebrows was tailored to intimidate, to convince the target of every word he said.

Once again, Klarg just looked downcast and confused. “But he’s my…” The creature looked down at his injured wolf with a conflicted expression.  “You… you threw him in the fire!”

“He attacked my friend.” Magnus’s voice remained unwavering, his only change in stance an apathetic cocking of his head and the slightest twitch of a brow. “I say we’re even.”

Klarg stood a little taller and took a step forward. He appeared to be growing irate at the conversation. “I attacked your friend!”

Magnus’s eyes narrowed almost imperceptibly, and he fell into a fighting stance. “Then you’ll meet the same fate.”

Klarg scoffed. “You can’t pick me up, I’m way bigger than the wolf was!”

Magnus was about to retort when Merle stepped in front of him with his hands up. “Fellas, fellas, fellas.” He let his hands drop with a pointed look at Magnus. “We came here to talk.”

“You should have thought about that before throwing my dog in the fire!” Klarg complained, crossing his arms like a child.

Merle whirled around to face him, clearly fed up with the exchange’s circular structure. “Well, you shouldn’t’ve had your dog jump at my ass!”

Magnus chuckled, easing his stance before leaning in to Taako. “You got your ass in my dog! You got your dog in my ass!”

The fighter had attempted to be quiet, but apparently Klarg heard. “I don’t think my dog could fit in an ass,” He deadpanned, seemingly serious. The dog was given a calculating look, as was Merle’s behind.

Magnus lost it at that point, turning on his heel so his back was to Klarg. “You haven’t seen this ass!” He gestured at the ass in question with a grin.

Taako snorted, pointing to Magnus’s rear dramatically. “I have!”

Turning back around, Magnus looked to the confused Klarg. “We’ve gotten off track.”

Taako stepped in front of him, deciding it was about time to actually get some shit done. “Listen, listen.” He chuckled a moment more before calming himself.

“He’s not kidding around here!” Merle cut in, derailing Taako’s train of thought for a moment. “Now keep it going, guys.”

The elf shook his head before continuing. Taking a deep breath, Taako allowed a sleazy grin to grow on his face and he loosened his stance. He spread his arms in what he hoped was a placating gesture. He supposed that was a running theme today. Three dumbasses waving their arms around, hoping it’ll make people like them. It was amazing they weren’t dead yet. With all the charm he could muster, he simply said: “Please.” 

After a bewildered pause from all parties, Taako turned to Merle and stage-whispered: “Was that good?”

Merle just stared at him, lips pursed. Out of the corner of his eye, Taako noticed a flash of movement. He was about to let out a warning as the wolf dashed towards Magnus with frightening speed for a creature with burnt paws. With a flying leap, it launched himself at the fighter with bared teeth. 

With a surprisingly graceful spin, Magnus narrowly dodged the attack. He probably felt fur brush him, it was so close. The wolf, now unexpectedly overshooting his target, crashed into the ground with a grunt. It slowly stood again, wincing as its singed paws were scratched by the rough ground. 

Seeming to snap out of the daze they had been in, two goblins pulled shortbows from their backs. An arrow flew at Magnus, and since he was still reeling from his narrow dodge it lodged itself in his side. He grunted, dropping his axe to grab at his side. 

Taako took a step forward towards Magnus, but was stopped when a sharp pain exploded in his leg. Dropping to his knees, he inspected the damage the second goblin had done. Luckily, the arrow had only nicked him, but there was still a steady flow of blood seeping from his leg. His pants were ruined now, but he supposed that was hardly the most dire problem at the moment. Standing would be possible, he reasoned, but severely uncomfortable. Gritting his teeth, Taako whipped his wand in the direction of Klarg and cast charm person in a last-ditch attempt. With any luck, the spell would land and they could avoid the rest of the conflict all together.

A pale pink jet shot from the wand and surrounded Klarg. After a moment he blinked rapidly, eyes glazing over and face growing slack. His aggressive stance dropped, leaving him looking rather confused and serene. By some stroke of luck, the spell took. Or Klarg was just  _ really _ stupid and had no chance to combat the effects in the first place. Regardless, the outcome was favorable. 

Taako cleared his throat. “Klarg, call them off.” He pointed to the two goblins who were now looking uneasily at their leader, shortbows still aimed at the party.

Klag blinked once more before shaking his head. “Call… sorry, who?” His voice had drastically changed, the once gruff grunts refining into a smooth, almost-gentle tone.

Taako gestured harder. “Call the goblins and wolves off!”

“Oh, oh, sure.” Klarg waved at the wolf that had attacked Magnius. “Hey, Percival, come back.” A lazy grin grew on his face and he patted his knee playfully. “Come to daddy.”

Percival gave a confused huff, but scampered back over to stand behind Klarg. 

“Klarg,” Taako drawled, doing his best to appear friendly. “My name is Taako.” He even did the bullshit hand thing again and put on his best stage smile.

Klarg clapped his hands together. “It’s a pleasure!” His smile grew wider. “It’s really great to meet you.” The wide grin looked horridly out of place of Klarg’s beastial face, but Taako’s facade didn’t falter. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Taako decided to play up the charm person. “It feels like we’ve known each other for ages, right?” He slowly pushed himself into a standing position, hissing quietly as his leg protested.

Nodding enthusiastically, Klarg took a step forward. “I feel that way too. Do you need any… money, or anything?” The creature suddenly looked concerned. “Can I just give you all of the things I have? You look like you need it.” He gestured to the various wounds of the party.

Taako perked up at the thought of gold, but waved his hand in dismissal. He was on a time crunch; charm person only lasted roughly an hour. “There will be time for that. Listen.” He took a step forward in an attempt to match Klarg’s friendliness level. “We’ve got a situation we wanted to loop you in on.” Taako paused, contemplating how to break the news. “We -”

“Do you guys want a tour?” Klarg cut in suddenly. “You’ve been in my cave for a while now, do you want some… oolong? Anything?” Apparently now he was playing generous host.

Taako shook his head. “No, no oolong for us, thanks. We don’t have much time.” He cracked a nervous grin. “Actually, about fifty-nine minutes.” Takko heard Merle laugh from behind him, and he waved his hand at him in an attempt to silence the dwarf. “So, listen. We, uh..” He stuttered for a moment, thrown off by the interruption. “We have a situation. One of your employees… uh…” Taako frowned, wracking his memory for the name of the goblin from earlier. “Yahweh, told us that, uh -”

Klarg was interrupting again. “I don’t think I have the fantasy Jewish God under my employ.”

Magnus hummed. “I think it’s Weeman.”

“Meemaw,” Merle suggested.

Taako bit his lip. “Meemaw? Weeman?” He looked to Klarg for help.

Klarg raised a brow. “ _ Weeman _ , yes.” Taako wasn’t sure if he was being serious or not, but he decided to roll with it.

The elf nodded. “Weeman; he told us that -” Taako paused, trying to sort his priorities. “First off, he has our friend, -” Now that he thought about it, ‘friend’ was a bit of a stretch, “- Barry Bluejeans, held captive. “

“You know Barry,” Merle added accusingly. Taako nodded.

“That was.. I…” Klarg actually looked a little sheepish. “Yes. I may have....”

Taako waved his hand in dismissal. “Water under the bridge. Listen, your friend wanted us to…” Taako wrung his hands, hoping a drastic change in mood wouldn’t affect the spell. “I don’t know, this is gonna be hard to hear…”

“Are you sure you don’t want any tea? I have a delicious earl grey.” Taako grit his teeth at the third interruption. Maybe the spell wasn’t the best course of action. He snapped his fingers, growing a little impatient.

“Fifty-six minutes, Klarg! Try to stay focused.” Taako took a deep breath. “He wanted us to… believe it or not, kill… well, you.” He smiled sympathetically. “Kill you.”

Klarg was silent for a moment, running a hand through his wolf’s fur. “That doesn’t sound like… are we talking about the same Yeemick?” So  _ that _ was his name. “Sorry, I think I understand what the problem is.” Klarg smiled back at Taako, a bright and polite thing. “I employ several Yeemicks.”

Taako took a few steps closer to Klarg, craning his neck so he could look the creature in the eye. “Klarg, look at me.” He gently placed his hands on either side of Klarg’s face. The scene probably looked a little comical, since Taako had to fully extend his arms to reach Klarg’s face. “It’s Taako.” He heard one of his companions wheeze with laughter behind him, but ignored it. “This is Taako talking.” Klarg looked like he was about to respond, but Taako tapped his cheek. “Would I lie to you?”

Klarg’s face fell and he took a forlorn step back. “I guess I’ve known all along.” His voice was actually starting to shake. Oh gods, if he started to cry Taako was out of there.

Merle stepped forward to stand next to Taako. “Look at that face!” He said, pointing to Taako’s head. He cocked his head to the side. “Look at that face.”

Despite the absurdity of the line considering Klarg’s acceptance of what Taako told him already, Taako played along. “Look at this face, Klarg.” He pointed to his defined cheekbones for emphasis. He gave the creature his dopiest, friendliest smile. “It’s me, Taako!” He let his face become a little more serious. “Here’s the thing. We want Barry back, we wanna kill this…” The goblin’s name managed to escape Taako again. “...bad guy that wants to kill you. We want our friend Barry, and we want…” He shrugged. “...we’d like  _ some _ gold. Like,  _ some  _ gold. Not too much, just some.”

“For our trouble!” Merle added enthusiastically. 

Taako nodded. “For our trouble.”

Magnus finally stepped forward to stand with the other two. “And if it’s not such a big deal, it would be great to know what happened to our other friend.”

Merle nodded. “Gundren.”

“Yes, Gundren. What do you say, Klarg?” Taako gave a small, expectant shrug.

Klarg smiled, leading them into a smaller room off of the current one. It was very personal-office looking, complete with a desk and shelving. “I think that we can come to a very agreeable conclusion to this entire misunderstanding. Give me just one moment.” He walked over to the desk and pulled a stone out of the wall to reveal a small hole. “Yeemick, can I see you in my office, please?” He placed the rock back.

Taako walked forward and leaned against the desk. “Before he comes, just a heads up.” The elf paused and gestured to the group. “He’s gonna know something’s up when he sees us.”

Klarg chuckled. “No, please.” He waved his hand in dismissal. “Listen, Yeemick talks a big game, but he’s really as sweet as cherry pie. You have nothing to worry about. Trust me, my friends.”

Magnus hummed, looking around the room. “I say we move to either side of the door.”

“How about we pretend we’re captives?” Merle suggested. “Or dead?”

Taako felt his ears perk at the suggestion. “Oh! Can we feign deadness?”

Merle nodded enthusiastically. “Can we feign death?”

Laughing, Taako lied on the floor, careful of his leg. He let his head loll to the side and his limbs go slack. Despite his best efforts, he couldn’t seem to hide his stuttered breath from laughing, but he supposed goblins weren’t really smart enough to look for that kind of stuff. For a little extra pizazz, he took a few fingerfulls of blood from his leg and splattered it over his face and neck.

Klarg looked down at him, a mixture of confusion and amusement on his face. “I’m telling you, this level of chicanery is not -”

Taako made an exaggerated moaning noise, sticking out his tongue and staring blankly up at the wall. “I can’t hear you, I’m dead.”

From above, Merle was desperately trying to hide his snickering as Magnus just looked disappointed. “Alright, get up.”

Klarg gave a small smile. “I do feel like you’re embarrassing yourself a little bit. But, if you want to lie on the floor and play child games, that’s -”

Taako moaned again, louder. “Tell it to my ghost.”

Clearly tired of the situation, Magnus crouched down to the level of the wolf. Without even looking at Klarg, he stretched his hand out towards the animal. “Can I play with your dog?”

Merle let out a wordless cry of frustration mixed with laughter as Klarg slowly pushed Magnus’s hand away from the wary wolf. “Absolutely not. Listen, I love you guys. You’re my oldest and dearest friends.” He paused, staring at Magnus with a completely emotionless expression for a silent moment before continuing. “You threw my dog in a godsdamn fire.”

Magnus made an embarrassed squeaking noise for a moment. “That... was a misunderstanding.” He slowly stood, pointedly looking away from Klarg. “So! What are we doing?” His voice was tight. “I say we stand to the side of the door.”

“Yeah.” Merle was inspecting the space behind the door. “At least stay out of sight.”

Taako shot up. “Oh, yeah! That’s good. Let’s stand on the other side of the door so he doesn’t see us as soon as he walks in.”

Merle snorted. “You change your mind fast, huh?”

Taako flipped him off and marched to the door with the others in tow. Klarg gave them a thumbs up and sat down at his desk, attempting to look busy. After about a minute and a half of waiting, Yeemick strutted into the room with the same two goblins from earlier. Taako stiffened as he noticed their drawn weapons and hard faces. His hand slowly moved until it brushed against his wand.

Klarg stood. “Oh, Yeemick. I have heard the most  _ fascinating _ story about you.” Nothing in his voice or mannerisms betrayed any aggression. The poor guy was completely convinced Yeemick wasn’t a threat.

Yeemick growled and drew a short bow, instantaneously pulling an arrow from his quiver and firing it at Klarg. Taako had to hold Magnus back from surging forward as the arrow sunk into Klarg’s fur. The impact caused the creature to take a step back, but he quickly recovered and looked down at the offending projectile.

Seemingly unfazed, Klarg just frowned. “Oh. So it’s true.”  He pulled a giant morningstar off his back, quickly followed by a javelin. Crouching down, Klarg pointed both at the goblins with a growl.

The two goblins that had been in the room with Klarg seemed to have heard the commotion from the room, both appearing in the doorway. They took in the scene around them, and after a pointed look from Yeemick both drew their weapons and glared at Klarg.

Taako watched as Klarg only grew more agitated. The elf firmly gripped his wand, spells running through his head as he awaited the best moment to strike. Magnus and Merle had also drawn their weapons, standing deathly still in anticipation. With a final roar, Klarg twirled his javelin before lunging over his desk, pulling back his morningstar, teeth bared as he swung at the mutinous goblins. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realize this chapter's a little rough, so bear with me until I edit it. Also, I've officially decided to update this story every two weeks on Saturday. These chapters are painfully difficult to write, considering I have to be listening to the podcast as I do it and transcribing dialogue, so they take a very long time. Regardless, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. See you in two weeks! (Hey, I've been considering adding illustrations to the chapters. Thoughts?)


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